I think I died a long time ago.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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