you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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