my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
