i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
