Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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