Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
