i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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