1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
