PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
