I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
