Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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