My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
