On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
