i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
