You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This baby is an asshole
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
