My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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