i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
