he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
