i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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