The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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