her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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