direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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