He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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