i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
