i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
