it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i think my mom watched the whole time
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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