I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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