I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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