there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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