porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Dignity is for republicans.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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