And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Are we still banned from the library?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
