Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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