I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
