he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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