It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The uberlube is also flammable
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
