you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
