I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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