cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
