why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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