I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't deserve a penis
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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