i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
