when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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