I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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