Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He kissed a someone with a penis
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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