just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Randomize
