apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize