Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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