Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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