I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize