ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
