I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
