The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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