go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
