Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
