You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
